I feel the sadness coming on. I can only best describe it as “The Nothing” from Neverending Story. It’s like this black cloud just consuming me. I know why it’s coming. Thursday, November 2, would of been mine and Paul’s 2nd wedding anniversary. This all just sucks so bad! I need to call one of the other wives. She sent me an email a couple weeks ago and said she’d like to take me out for dinner again this year like they all did last year. I need to do something. I may even send myself some flowers. I sent myself some beautiful purple carnations for my birthday maybe I’ll do it again for Thursday.

I just want my husband, my knight, my love back. I want to hold him, hug him, kiss him and tell him I’ll love him forever and I’ll never let him go. I want to spend the night with him the way married couples are supposed to. I want to feel him touch me and hear him tell me he loves me. What I wouldn’t give to hear him say, “Hey baby..” just one more time and have it not be a recording on my computer.

So many people take love for granted. They take their lovers for granted. Seriously, have you stopped to tell your loved one what they mean to you lately? And I don’t mean the simple every day “I love you”. I mean have you sat down and told them why they mean so much to you and how you can’t live without them? How you appreciate their love for you and all that they do for you? The next time they forget to put the toilet seat down, or forget to put their glass in the sink, or forget to get their dirty laundry actually in the clothes hamper… just stop and think of just how much you’d miss that annoying book hanging off the side of the bathroom counter if something were to happen to them. I’d give anything to be able to say, “If you don’t quit putting that book there.. one of these days it’s going to fall in the toilet and I’m gonna laugh.” just one more time. I’d give anything to say, “Son of a bitch!” as I trip over his combat boots on the floor on my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Or to have him yell at me because I folded his socks wrong yet again. Or to have to call his name 4 times because he’s absorbed in yet another book. I’d even be glad to dump the umpteen half drank soda cans and sweep up the cigarette butts on the front patio just to have him here again.

I’d give anything to have him here to annoy me all over again and this time, I’d tell him I loved him for it.

If I knew it would be the last time that I’d see you fall asleep, I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door, I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time I’d hear your voice lifted up in praise, I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute or two to stop and say “I love you,” instead of assuming, you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day, well I’m sure you’ll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there’s always tomorrow to make up for an oversight, and we always get a second chance to make everything right.

There will always be another day to say our “I love you’s”, and certainly there’s another chance to say our “Anything I can do’s?”

But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get, I’d like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget, tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike, and today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you’re waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today? For if tomorrow never comes, you’ll surely regret the day, that you didn’t take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today, whisper in their ear, tell them how much you love them and that you’ll always hold them dear, take time to say “I’m sorry,” “please forgive me,”, “thank you” or “it’s okay.” And if tomorrow never comes, you’ll have no regrets about today.

As I stood in the shower this evening, I was thinking of Friday. Friday is a double whammy. Friday is the 1 year mark of Jeremiah’s death as well as the last time I saw and got to touch Paul before we buried him. My heart got heavy when I allowed myself to think about how much I miss him. I see couples together when I’m out running errands and on TV and it reminds me that I’m alone now. It reminds me how much I miss him. How much I miss his smile, his love, his support and his touch. I miss having a partner in life and love.

Please don’t interprate this as me feeling ready to move on with somebody else. It is nowhere near that. Not so much because I feel I’d be betraying Paul, but because I’m just not ready for that. Paul would want me to move on and be happy. I feel there are many things within myself that I need to fix first. I need to set new goals for myself and my future. I need to learn who the “new” me is. I’m no longer somebody’s wife in the sense of it being my job. I’ll always be Paul’s wife in my heart. I’m not his widow. I’m his wife. I’m a survivor. A survivor of loss and this war on terror.

I look around me and all that’s been accomplished in the last year because of Paul’s death and I can’t help but think how much I would rather give it all back and start all over if it means he’d be here with me again. I’ve heard some say how lucky I am because I bought a house and I drive nice vehicles and the kids and I are set for college. But am I really lucky? Did I win the lottery? The last time I checked Paul had to give his life in order to give us life. And it makes me love him all that much more. In life and in death he was and always will be my knight in shining armor.

I love and miss you baby… and my tears cannot begin to show how much my heart hurts at losing you. I miss hearing, “Paul and Patience”. I miss seeing Mr & Mrs. Allen on mail. I miss seeing your name on my checks, bills and address lables. I love you…

To Jeremiah’s family, friends and fellow soldiers, my thoughts will be with you all on Friday as the one year mark arrives. I wish I could tell you it’s not that bad but it hurts. I got through it only by some miracle and 2 wonderful soldiers.

Which reminds me, I haven’t spoken about the first anniversary. The kids and I bought balloons, flowers and colored glass rocks to take to the cemetery. We wrote notes to Paul and tied them to the balloons to let go. We met Paul’s sister Diane and her family at the cemetery and a surprise visitor as well. One of Paul’s best friends from Iraq drove 2 hours with his wife and newborn son to be with us at the cemetery. While we were there another one of Paul’s fellow soldiers showed up. It was not planned but everything happens for a reason and I believe he needed us as much as we needed him that day. We went to dinner, minus Diane and her family, and shared stories about Paul. We talked about how we are handling things and what life is like now. To Damian Castro and Ralph Duran, thank you for spending the evening with us. Thank you for sharing your tears. In your own tears and grief, you helped me to find the strength to make it through that day. Damian, thank you for sharing your family with us. You have a beautiful and loving wife and a truly precious son. Paul would be so honored to know that little Ryin Paul was named for him.

As much as I’m tired of hearing about how I must go on with my life and get over it, the kids are calling and I must go. I am going on with life but I will NEVER “get over it”. This is something I will carry with me every day for the rest of my life.

In 2 hours and 45 minutes it will be exactly 1 year.. It was 10 PM for me on the 25th when the life was ripped from the love of my life… my heart is heavy and it hurts. I miss him more than I could ever express to another human. I’ve kept so busy in the last year that this year has flown by but it’s all come to a screeching hault today. I’ve been crying periodically throughout the day. I’m so lonely and there are so many things I want to share with him and will never be able to again. When somebody dies and their death certificate says “homicide” on it you have to deal with the fact that they are gone because of another person’s actions. When I buried Paul, I had to bury our long term plans together, our hopes and dreams and all the images I had of him seeing the kids grow up. Teaching Edwin to drive, walking Caitlyn down the aisle at her wedding, cheering for Devlin from the side lines at a high school wrestling match and sitting in a rocker on a porch with me watching the sun set when old and grey. When he died I realized all my future goals had to be rewritten and it’s a difficult thing to have to face. I love him.. and I miss him..

Please keep the kids, his family and I in your prayers. We’re sure going to need them as we face this milestone that no family wants to have to face.

Last night I dreamed I saw Paul in a shoe store. He was buying shoes and I ran into his arms crying. He was crying too and said he’d been looking for me but I moved and he didn’t know where to find me. He said he hadn’t really been killed but it took them years to find that out. He said he’d lost his memory and didn’t know who he was until recently. He hugged me and kissed me and promised to never leave me alone again. And then I woke up…

I woke up beside him.. I kissed him… I hugged him.. I looked into his eyes.. I held him tight and told him I loved him.. I never wanted to let him go.. 1 year ago today.. for the last time..

Due to increasing spam posts on the shoutbox I have removed it until I find a more secure and spam proof tag board. I just got tired of deleting 20+ posts a day to it telling me how interesting this site is and that they wish they had a site like this one. It’s obviously some spam bot because nobody in their right mind would wish to lose their spouse and best friend in a war. So once I am back in town I will look for a new tag board.

This past weekend the kids, Rob and I attended the funeral of another American Hero, Pfc Patrick Tinnell of Lake Havasu City. Patrick, who recently turned 25, was killed April 19 when a car bomb detonated near his unit while on combat patrol. Patrick was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 187th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault), Fort Campbell, Ky.

We made the trip to Lake Havasu City following behind the bikes of the Patriot Guard Riders. I can never express fully how proud I am to be a member of such a wonderful, caring and hard working group of men and women. There were around 200 bikes and a dozen cars (2 of them were mine) in attendance to honor a fallen hero. The kids wanted to go inside for the service. I didn’t go in for Lcpl Thornton’s service but I went in this time for the kids. However, I didn’t last long. I was almost immediately in tears upon seeing the flag draped casket but I really lost it after a few of Patrick’s friends sang a song in honor of him. It was emotionally overwhelming and I went back outside where members of the Patriot Guard comforted me and let me get it out. One day I will be able to attend these services and actually be able to sit through it.

We headed back to the truck and van and pulled along side the road to wait for the funeral procession to come by and then gently merged in with them. The Lake Havasu City Police and our fantastic Patriot Guard members had traffic stopped and at the first stop light there was a couple out of their car standing there with their hands over their hearts and I lost it again. People like that couple make me proud to be an American. People like that couple make me know that Paul, Jeremiah, SSGT Allers, LCPL Thornton, PFC Tinnell and so many others didn’t make the ultimate sacrifice for nothing. People like that couple and all the others with their hands over their hearts, saluting or holding large flags remind me that there are so many in this country who recognize and appreciate the sacrifice our heros and our families have made for their safety and freedoms. Even now as I think of that couple with their hands over their hearts I am brought to tears. Chances are they have no idea how their simple gesture has touched myself and so many others.

The graveside service was beautiful and I didn’t flinch this time when I heard the 21 gun salute. Edwin, my bottler, shed tears because it all reminded him of Paul and his heart broke for himself and for another family he knew was feeling his pain now. I think it was at the moment that he shed tears that he started to realize we are not the only family who has lost to this war and that he is not alone and how important it is to make sure that other families know that they are not alone either. You read the stories in the paper and you hear them on the news and you know this war is affecting so many families but when it happens to you it’s like the rest of the world fades away and you feel so alone in your journey.

I waited patiently to express my sorrow to Patrick’s family. I hugged his aunt and she immediately recognized us as being with the PGR. I told her I was not only PGR but also a Gold Star Wife and let her know they were not alone in their loss. Every loss to our military is a loss to our family as well. We are a kindred spirit in this journey and wish that no more would have to join us. I then expressed my sorrow to Patrick’s mother. Let me just say that I have great admiration for this woman. The strength and pride she showed would make her son proud of her. She may not always feel strong but I pray she has the support system that I have that reminds her of just how strong she really is from time to time.

To the PGR, thank you for your unending hard work, support, comfort and caring that you provide these Gold Star families. Often times I wish the Arizona chapter was in place for Paul’s funeral. I would have been honored and comforted to have any one of you attend his funeral.

To the family of PFC Patrick Tinnell, thank you for allowing the PGR, my family and myself to share in honoring your hero. Patrick will forever live in the hearts of myself and my family. He will never be forgotten. His bravery and selflessness to serve our country, especially in wartime, will always be remembered. Your hero is not just a name on a list to this family. We will remember his face and his name for the rest of our lives. YOU will not be forgotten for the sacrifice you have made and may have not yet realized. It took me months to understand why people thanked me for losing my husband. It is because in our support of our loved one we are giving up our time with them. We are sacrificing our family for our country. And even though I have days I hardly believe it, we are just as brave and selfless as our hero at times.

To PFC Patrick Tinnell, thank you for your sacrifice. Thank you for giving of yourself for our safety and freedom so that my children will never have to see or live in conditions that other children of the world live in every day. Thank you for giving of yourself so that I can watch my children grow. Your mission is complete soldier. Rest now and know that you will never be forgotten. From My Hero Always, your final salute.

Today was Paul’s birthday. We took a blanket, cupcakes, helium filled balloons, flowers, sparkling cider and an Easter basket and eggs and went to the cemetary. It was me, the kids, Rob, R and C (names withheld on account of psychopathic ex-husband to R). We put the new flowers in with the vase poking down through the basket and filled the basket with cammo eggs. R and Caitlyn went around leaving the extra eggs that we’d filled with rocks from our front yard on some of the other graves to let others know their loved one was thought of.

Next we popped open the cider and sang Happy Birthday to Paul. Of course it was the “you look like a monkey” version. Then we let go of our balloons and watched them float away. Next we ate a cupcake to celebrate his life and the memories he left with us. The cupcakes had little “rubber” duckies and flowers on them so we lined them all up along the edge of his marker.

After we left the cemetary we ran home, Rob went to get Tara and Sam and R & C went to get their kids and we all went out to dinner to one of Paul’s favorite restaurants. It helped so much to have R & C and their children there with us today and we were able to laugh and smile and have a good time. It turned out to be a good day, a good celebration of our hero. Tomorrow we will be making a donation to the humane society in his name.

Happy Birthday Baby! We miss you more with every passing day. Today we celebrate your life and all that you gave to us and this world. We celebrate everything you left behind and your legacy. We celebrate our love for you and your love for us.

Today we request that you do a good deed in Paul’s memory. Donate to a charity in his name or volunteer your time to somebody who may need it. Paul wanted to see a better world and the best way for us to help him accomplish this is for us to spread all that is good in this world. If each of us made an effort to stop the hate eventually, albeit slowly, the good will spread. Use today to remind another that goodness and kindness are not dead.

New pictures of the truck can be found HERE.

I love you baby! My Hero Always. My Love Forever!