You know what they say about people who make assumptions? You make an ass of you and me.

To the person from the Toledo, Ohio area who was too cowardly to sign their real name, with their real email address and seems to take pleasure in actually causing pain to the widow of a fallen soldier, you have made a terrible assumption. Who are you to assume you know how I grieve? Just because a website has not been updated does NOT mean that I have forgotten MY husband. It means my time has been better served else where. MY CHILDREN. Paul’s son will be 6 years old in September. Last year he went to half day kindergarten and became VERY aware that HE did not have a daddy attending school functions and taking him to and picking him up from school. Do you have any idea who it is that comforts this crying child who misses his daddy EVERY day? ME. Paul’s WIFE. I’m the one that cries every day still, even almost 3 years later. It has NOT been a good year for me and the kids contrary to what many people may wish to believe. I have photos of him in EVERY room of my house. I have his picture in my cars. I talk about him all the time to the point where people are tired of hearing his name.

And while I’m at it, since somebody from Ohio is choosing to make assumptions about me like they live in my house with me and stand in my shoes every day, I have NOT dated anybody since Paul died. I have NO interest in dating. I am still very much IN love with my husband and I still call myself his WIFE. People who know me and actually speak to me know that my heart did, does and always will belong to Paul. People see my pain still. Were you here yesterday (July 21) when I cried off and on all day and didn’t want to get out of bed or do anything because it would of been 8 years that we had been together? I didn’t see you in bed next to me. Have you emailed me on a personal level? Or are you just jealous that he was married to ME and feel the need to lash out and make ME hurt more to make yourself feel better? Well screw you and anybody else that thinks they know me and my grief and my life. Were you at the cemetery on April 3rd of this year? I was.. with my 3 children and 3 other adults drinking a sparkling cider toast and having green frosted cup cakes for him. Were you at the cemetery on the 2 yr anniversary? I was.. with balloons and notes in hand with my children, his sister, some of his battle buddies and one of his best friends. Are you the god mother of a child who is named after him? I am. Oh yea.. BTW.. he’s the god father. Were you sitting here with Devlin watching the videos Paul left for him of him reading stories? I don’t think so.. nope you weren’t. Are you playing mom AND dad to this sweet and loving little boy with a hurting heart? Nope. You’re not doing that either.

For anybody that’s interested, I have a memorial Myspace set up for Paul. Just email me for the URL. It’s only viewable to those who are added as friends. I post/update this one more often at the moment because that’s where some of his battle buddies are signed up and I can keep in touch with them and let them know how we are doing. Those that really care and support us take the time to send supportive messages not try to cause us more hurt.

It’s sad that I should even have to make a post such as this but this behavior is absolutely unacceptable of an adult. But from the mouth of our sweet boy who wonders why mommy is now crying AGAIN, “You have pictures everywhere mommy. You always tell me stories about him. Don’t let that person make you cry. Tell that person to go away.” And that is what keeps me going every day. That little boy with Paul’s face and habits. If not for that little boy I’d already be with MY husband.

This person btw is apparently STALKING me just to be malicious as they commented on the family site also. I should also remind that the kids check both sites from school and on their own laptops. Nice huh? Just what they need to be reading too.

Wondering
a.friend@gmail.com | 72.240.170.177

Patience – Why no new posts? Have you forgotten?

I know you loved him – I understand. But now has time passed and you’ve forgotten this tribute so easily? Or is life too busy to take the time any more, now that he’s been gone for so long.

Just like the country…. you forget. How sad.

Actually it just means that my children are a bigger priority than a website. Sharing stories with them is more important than people like YOU.

In honor of Paul and to commemorate the 2 year anniversary of his death, we are doing a book drive as part of “Do a good deed day.” To learn more about it and to participate please click the “Freedom to Read” link on the left hand side of this page. Thank you!

Nation to Pause for ‘Moment of Remembrance’
By Sgt. Sara Wood, USA
American Forces Press Service

WASHINGTON, May 27, 2007 – People across the country will take a moment from their afternoons tomorrow to pause and honor the sacrifices of America’s military.
Major League Baseball stadiums, NASCAR tracks, train stations, grocery stores, and even the astronauts on the International Space Station will be participating in the “Moment of Remembrance,” which is observed every Memorial Day at 3 p.m.

“The national Moment of Remembrance is a time for Americans to contemplate those things that bind us together by remembering the legacy of those who died to better our country,” Carmella LaSpada, executive director of the White House Commission on Remembrance, said in a news release. “We encourage all Americans, no matter where they are and what they are doing, at 3 p.m. local time on Memorial Day, to stop and give thanks.”

The Moment of Remembrance is an initiative of the White House Commission on Remembrance, which was established by Congress and made into public law in 2000. The commission encourages Americans to remember the sacrifices of fallen military members, as well as the families they leave behind. According to its mission statement, the commission “promotes acts of remembrance throughout the year and asks Americans to pay our debt of gratitude in memory of our fallen by giving something back to the nation.”

The Moment of Remembrance, which lasts one minute, is being observed at the Liberty Bell and National Constitution Center in Philadelphia, the Empire State Building and Port Authority of New York, the USS New Jersey, USS Arizona and Greyhound stations. Additionally, volunteer buglers across the country will play “Taps” during the moment.

In his Memorial Day proclamation, President Bush will call on the citizens of the United States to participate in the Moment of Remembrance, according to the news release. Citizens can participate by observing a moment of silence, or doing something symbolic, like ringing a bell.

Happy Birthday, Paul! Last year this day was full of sorrow even though we tried hard to celebrate your life. This year is not so bad. I had a basket of fruit delivered this morning to start the day off right and so far it’s worked. Soon we will be leaving to pick up some flowers and head to the cemetery. We are taking the green cupcakes and sparkling cider with us again this year so that we can celebrate your life and the joy that you brought to us during the short time we spent with you. We miss you every day and we love you. We often say we have a hole in our heart but that can’t really be true because we never stopped loving you. Our love for you still remains in our hearts. We have a hole in our life where you should be. You should be here to blow out candles and so we can tease you and say you’re getting old because you’re 33. You should be here to put frosting on my nose while you laugh because you got me again. You should be here to read the kids’ homemade cards that they like to make you every year and will make for you this year too. We love you baby.. and we’re so very glad you were born to share your life and love with us. Happy Birthday baby!

Paul’s birthday is Tuesday. He would of been 33 years old. Last year I requested that people do a good deed for somebody or donate to a charity in his memory to celebrate his life. I’m requesting the same again this year. Paul was a big reader and he loved kids so anything having to do with reading, kids or both are a good start. Or maybe donate money or goods to your favorite charity. Good deeds can be anything from helping at a shelter or offering to babysit for somebody so they can get a night out. There is no such thing as a good deed too small or too big.

You can run but you can’t hide. I tried to keep busy the entire first year. I thought I was just distracting myself but in reality I was running. How do I know this? Because right around Christmas and for the following 2 months it hit me hard. The depression was fierce but there was nothing I could do to stop it nor would I have tried. At that point I realized I needed to go through the depression and deal with it. I’m coming out of it now but the pain of missing him was just so real. To look around this house that he never lived in and never saw with his own eyes and realize that he never would was difficult. To watch the kids playing in the big back yard we always wanted them to have and know that he would never be here to throw a ball around with the kids or wrestle in the grass with them was difficult. To watch the pool getting maintenance done and know that soon it would be swim season and he wouldn’t be here laughing and goofing off with us was difficult.

I remember when he was home on leave we went to my aunt and uncle’s for dinner. Two of my cousins were spending a few weeks with them and I wanted some of my family to finally meet Paul. We all went swimming in their pool and I had just pushed Edwin in the water and was laughing about it when the next thing I knew Paul flew up out of the water. I would of swore he had a batman cape on. And before I knew it I was pushed into the pool myself! He’s the only person to have ever done that to me and it was fun to banter with him about it. That time is gone and now it’s just a memory.

Another favorite “in the pool” memory was also when he was home on leave. He and Devlin were playing in the pool at our former apartment complex and he had Devlin on his shoulders and they were playing. Paul would go under water taking Devlin with him and then they’d both come back up laughing. Well at one point a bee landed on Devlin’s head. We’re all screaming, “A bee! A bee! Go under water!” And he’s just standing there with a dumb founded look on his face and going, “What”? And we’re all still telling him to go under water. Finally he went under water and the bee flew off. Paul got out of the pool and chased it to killed it with a flip flop. I have this one on video that I’ll eventually post here. But it’s one of the last memories Devlin will have of his daddy and he’s already forgetting it as his memories get filled with more recent adventures.

He’s come to me a lot lately telling me he misses Daddy. Every time it breaks my heart. I try to just hug him and tell him I miss him too and that’s ok to miss Daddy. I tell him that missing Daddy means he loves him. But it’s just so difficult and painful. It hurts my heart to know that Devlin will be growing up without his Daddy. There are so many things that Daddy’s are supposed to teach their little boys. So many things they are supposed to do together and Devlin won’t get to experience that. He has no Daddy to take him to Cub Scouts. He has no Daddy to teach him how to throw a baseball or hit a ball. He has no Daddy to finish teaching him how to ride a 2 wheel bike. There will be no father-son fishing and camping trips. There will be no learning to work on a car together days or playing fix-it man around the house.

All of it just hurts. And there is nobody that can take this pain away. There is nobody who can make it all better. There is nobody that can help. Sure we have friends and family but it is impossible for any of them to fill that hole that’s been left in our family. In six days it will be 18 months since Paul was killed. Some days it still feels like yesterday that they knocked on my door. The only reminder that it wasn’t is that I wake up in a different house. I miss him. I miss his companionship, his friendship, his love and affection and his support. I rejoined in Weight Watchers last week and this time around is so much harder. I never really realized how much of a support he was to me even from Iraq. He used to make sure he would log on some time Friday night just to find out how my weigh-in went. And he’d “woo hoo” and cheer through the computer. He’d tell me how proud he was of me and he knew I could do it.

I miss him. I’m lonely and yet I’m always surrounded by my kids. I hate this.

Devlin was having me button the vest from his Christmas clothes when he told me he was going to work. He likes to put on dress clothes like daddy used to and pretend he’s going to some really fantastic job. I pulled him into a hug and he asked me what I was doing. I said, “You always hug the ones you love before you leave the house.” I went on to tell him how his daddy didn’t leave the house before he kissed me goodbye, even if I was sleeping.

It triggered a memory of a camping trip in 2001 with Paul’s family. He went fishing with his dad and I was very upset because it was the one and ONLY time he left me that he didn’t kiss me. His family could not understand why it upset me so much. I was told it was just a kiss and not that big of a deal. In hind sight, it was a VERY big deal. You never know when that last kiss goodbye might be the last. He could of been in a car wreck and I would of lived the rest of my life knowing I didn’t get a kiss goodbye. Now I live the rest of my life knowing that we kissed and held each other tight and let each other know how much we loved each other and that we would miss each other. He told me to stay strong and I told him to stay safe and then he hugged and kissed each of the children and gave me one last kiss before walking to the door to the ramp. He paused just for a few seconds before walking through the door and flashed me a smile with a sadness behind the twinkle in his eye and waved at us. I watched as he passed by the window at the end of the ramp and my heart broke and my eyes filled with tears when he stepped on that plane. We were separated and a part of me knew… how important that kiss was before we said goodbye.

So if you think it’s “just a kiss” and it’s “no big deal” if you forget to kiss your spouse or significant other or to hug and kiss your kids, think again and remember that it could be your last.

Artist: Vince Gill
Song: Let’s Make Sure We Kiss Goodbye

I’m watching some footage of President Ford lying in state. Betty Ford is such an epitome of strength right now. I could only hope that through it all I have shown even an ounce of her strength. She’s so solemn and strong even at her age and in her frail state. But to be married so long and so be so supportive of your husband the president. It’s all just… wow. I only got to share 5 years of life with Paul. I can’t imagine having shared my whole life with him and still being that strong. And yet I envy that she had that many more years of memories.

If you’re looking for new Christmas music why not purchase a cd that helps out a good cause? It features the voices of the children of the fallen and helps raise money for a program called Operation Ensuring Christmas. It provides trips to Disney World for the children of the fallen. A Lil’ Heroes Christmas

Jordan Leigh has released the video to Soldier I Thank You in which she pays tribute to her brother, SGT Kenneth Schall, other fallen heroes and our military. Please take the time to view this video and support Jordan Leigh.